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Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]

2022-01-26 00:23:33

Last author: Mortified Penguin
Owner: Sagacious Turkey

# of watchers: 286

D20: 11

Wiki-page rating	Stumble!
Informative:	0
Artistic:	0
Funny-rating:	0
Friendly:	17

(Formerly Chuck's)

^{Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.

a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]

.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,

ain't no place finer!

The food is good,

we're always in tha 'hood,

and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

As seen in [iippo]'s diary!

This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee

and the [pixish] art committee

_{by [Teufelsweib]}}

Menu:

Show content

|Da menyou|

<img150*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinerspecial.png>

'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>

^{_{Breakfast

1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50

2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20

3. Hash Browns $1.00

4. Hash Greens $1.00

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00

6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50

7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50

8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25

9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)

10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

Lunch

1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19

2. hamburger & fries $4.00

3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24

4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00

6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99

7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82

8. La Ham and cheese $2.30

9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour

10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour

11. sirloin $6.00

12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00

13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99

14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00

15. fried Alley Gator $5.00

16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50

17. Poo Stew $2.25

18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50

19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25

20. Roasted n00b $4.00

21. Bloody Rock $1.50

22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75

23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50

24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12

25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50

26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00

27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00

28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50

29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!

30.

31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75

32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25

33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00

34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00

35. Ground beef Carl $3.25

36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99

37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..

38. viagra pill $300

39. gobbler....?

40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00

41. hootchie cootchie $2.00

42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00

43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90

44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50

45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)

47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5

48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99

49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!

50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!

51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

Appetizers

1. half a cracker $1,000,000

2. Bloody Rock $1.50

3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00

4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))

5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25

6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50

7. Cooked Sushi $4.50

8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01

9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))

10. Bowl of tears $.50

11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50

12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50

13. Corn on the toes $1.50

14. cooked sushi $2.00

15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER

16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy

17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1

17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])

19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]

20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00

21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)

22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.

23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.

24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

Dinner

1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10

2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....

3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75

4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone

5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50

6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...

7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.

8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)

9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00

10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0

11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)

12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00

13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

Dessert

1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00

2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00

3. artichoke pie $1.50

4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75

5. Iced ice $0.50

6. Glazed rocks $0.75

7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00

8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75

9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00

10. "Cow Pie" $2.00

11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50

12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2

13. "apple sauce" $1

14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?

15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000

16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50

17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box

18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box

19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50

20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)

21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)

22. Vasturcro, free! (plus $20 in taxes, $35 for the food, which is $65, totaling out to $127)

23. Sweet, cherry, and pied crow pie, $2.33

Drinks

1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00

2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00

4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00

5. liquid lard $1.00

6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95

7. goat milk $1.00

8. watered down tea $1.00

9. Turkey Milk $1.00

10. A Pint of Blood $0.50

11. A Quart of Blood $1.00

12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50

13. Rat Milk $1.00

14. Snow Coco $1.00

15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)

16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound

17. A "booty" shake $6.66

18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.

19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick

20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)

21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00

22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie}}

Bob's Diner Status Report:
_{Bob's Diner Status Report
^{All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].}

Year

04/05

05/06

06/07

07/08

08/09

09/10

10/11

11/12

12/13

13/14

14/15

15/16

16/17

17/18

18/19

19/20

20/21

Comments

9709

3870

3065

5676

4309

2879

5259

1697

0984

0756

0394

0177

0384

1677

0471

0285

0118

Average

26.6 cpd

10.6 cpd

08.4 cpd

15.5 cpd

11.8 cpd

07.9 cpd

14.4 cpd

04.7 cpd

02.7 cpd

02.1 cpd

01.1 cpd

00.5 cpd

01.1 cpd

04.6 cpd

01.3 cpd

00.8 cpd

00.3 cpd

Total Comments

09709

13579

16644

22320

26666

29545

34804

36501

37484

38240

38634

38839

39223

40900

41371

41656

41774

Total Average

26.6 cpd/9709 cpy

18.6 cpd/6789 cpy

15.2 cpd/5548 cpy

15.3 cpd/5580 cpy

14.6 cpd/5333 cpy

13.5 cpd/4924 cpy

13.6 cpd/4972 cpy

12.5 cpd/4563 cpy

11.4 cpd/4165 cpy

10.5 cpd/3824 cpy

09.6 cpd/3512 cpy

08.9 cpd/3237 cpy

08.3 cpd/3017 cpy

08.0 cpd/2921 cpy

07.6 cpd/2758 cpy

07.1 cpd/2604 cpy

06.7 cpd/2457 cpy

Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report

Since The End of the Last Friscal Year

Since B's D's Founding}

Friscal Reports:

Show content

   Next Friscal Report:

_{Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.

   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.

   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)

This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)}

^{_{Previous B's D}}

^{_{By posting comments to Bob's Diner, you grant a world-wide, royalty-free, and exclusive license to [Mortified Penguin] to steal your dumb jokes, musings, ramblings, nonsequiter nonsense, and general comments and publish them in a legally questionable screenplay, which will then be fashioned into a highly problematic and excessively meta book. All posters, now and prior to this post, forfeit copyright ownership of all comments to [Mortified Penguin]. Any profits from said screenplay book will belong solely to [Mortified Penguin], who is handsome, and who also reserves the right to not give you credit for your dumb comments. The addition of this message to this wiki covers all comments forthwith and hithertofore. By continuing to post on Bob's Diner and by having previously posted on Bob's Diner, you forfeit any and all rights to litigation against [Mortified Penguin]. However, if one of your stolen comments results in legal trouble for [Mortified Penguin], all copyrights and intellectual property rights for the aforementioned problematic comments will be returned to the original poster, who will take on all legal responsibilities. Finally, to the judge who will inevitably read this, FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH. YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO FIND ME GUILTY. YOU LITTLE PUSSY. I AM ABOVE THE LAW. I DO NOT RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR COURT AND THE SECOND I LEAVE THIS COURTROOM, I'M HEADING STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR WIFE INTO A COMA. YEAH, THAT'S A THREAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? JUDGE ME? COWARD.}}

2018-04-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *hundreds of ants start swarming the jam on the floor*

Do you want anteaters? Because this is how you get anteaters.

*goes back to not drawing anything ever again, not even conclusions or breaths*

2018-04-22 [Pied Crow]: You wouldn't stop drawing even blood, too, would you?!

2018-04-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *already died like four hours ago and can't respond*... *eats ramen*...

2018-04-22 [Nuktae-tal]: *puts anteater in his ramen that is also filled with ants* This will fix it.

2018-04-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *takes an antacid*

2018-04-23 [Mortified Penguin]: *Mort gains 1xp*

What's this?! Mort is evolving!

*Mort grows a second arm*

Finally! Two of these things!

*eats ramen with both arms*

2018-04-23 [Sheamus Finn]: Hold it, Penguin with two arms? doesn't that make him a matre d?

2018-04-23 [Mortified Penguin]: *slaps you with both hands at the same time*

Yes. Go bus table seven.

*tosses you the keys to the bus*

2018-04-24 [Mortified Penguin]: I SAID GO TRUCK TABLE 8, WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?! *double slaps [Pied Crow]*

2018-04-25 [Pied Crow]: Caaaw, caawwww!!!

*gives the truck a talon massage*

2018-04-25 [Mortified Penguin]: STOP YELLING, THIS IS A LIBRARY!!!

*spits at Misty*

*loses 1xp*

The fuck is this?! Mort is devolving!

*Mort's second arm shrivels up and falls off*

2018-04-25 [Mortified Penguin]: *throws the arm at Nuk*

Deliver that steak to table 89.

*points at a group of school children reading quietly by the non-fiction section*

2018-04-25 [Pied Crow]: I think I'm done giving the truck a new rim job, Boss. Is it good?

2018-04-26 [~Crimson Angel~]:

2018-04-26 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, yeah. Now toss Misty's flower salad, all the croutons are on one side.

2018-04-26 [Nuktae-tal]: I personally love crust on the side

2018-04-27 [Sagacious Turkey]: *looks up from studying his textbook by the non-fiction section*

Hey, where the hell is that steak I ordered?!

2018-04-27 [~Crimson Angel~]:

Here you are good sir.

2018-04-27 [Sagacious Turkey]: Th-this isn't an arm... what the hell kind of library serves tree byproducts?!

*kicks over a shelf full of books*

I'm so pissed off, I'm only leaving a 75% tip... *starts angrily counting out hundred dollar bills*

2018-04-28 [Nuktae-tal]: You need another one you miscounted *points over the Turkey's shoulder*

2018-04-30 [Pied Crow]: Hmmm... Ah-ha! *swoops in to steal the "steak"*

2018-04-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *swats you out of the air with a broom*

GODDAMN BATS!

2018-05-01 [Pied Crow]: Cawwwww!!?

*exits the air and arrives at the floor*

2018-05-01 [Nuktae-tal]: My air!!

2018-05-02 [Pied Crow]: Yes! Do you like your air cut up into fine squares?

2018-05-02 [Mortified Penguin]: *starts slicing the air up into squares*

"Please stop! I'm a customer, not air!!"

SHUT THE HELL UP, I DON'T TAKE ORDERS FROM AIR. Anyway, someone deliver this order of refried gizzards to the air at table 1, he's been waiting for nearly two minutes now.

*points at an empty table and goes back to slicing customers*

2018-05-02 [Pied Crow]: What's a gizzard? It sounds like lizard...!

*looks it up*

............... Oh........

2018-05-03 [Sheamus Finn]: I thought a gizzard was a geezer wizard....

2018-05-03 [Mortified Penguin]: No, that's a Weezer.

*eats Pork and Beans*

2018-05-03 [Mortified Penguin]: Fun fact: Birds eat gravel to fill up their (succulent) gizzards! And also, because that's all I feed them.

*points at a pile of broken bird bones underneath a massive limestone block*

2018-05-04 [Nuktae-tal]: Nice... bird bones. *strokes sensually*

2018-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Shut up and eat your gravel, so you can grow up to be a big, strong skeleton!

2018-05-06 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-05-06 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1525570245.jpg>

2018-05-06 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-05-06 [Sagacious Turkey]: There, that should be enough for me to take the next six months off. *raids the fridge in the break room*

*absconds with a large suitcase labeled, "Misty's lunch - DO NOT STEAL"*

2018-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Cut that out, you're offending our Jewish customers! *points at a hideous lizard monster feeding on Tiny Tim in the corner*

2018-05-06 [Nuktae-tal]: You forgot you toothpick! *Whacks Mort with Tim's stick.*

2018-05-06 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1525579896.jpg>

2018-05-06 [Pied Crow]: Noo, don't do that, you cute lizard! Eat me instead, I'm loud and annoying! It'll be cathartic!

2018-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Try to lure it over with some shekels, that usually works.

2018-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: *suddenly realizes he has a crutch lodged in his skull*

WHAT THE HELL?!

*suddenly forgets he has a crutch lodged in his skull*

*goes back to absorbing ramen through his pores*

2018-05-06 [Nuktae-tal]: HELL THE WHAT!?

2018-05-06 [Sheamus Finn]: THE HELL WHAT!!?

2018-05-06 [Nuktae-tal]: ?!?!?! WHAT HELL THE

2018-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: THE WHAT HELL!?!?

2018-05-09 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-05-11 [Mortified Penguin]: Comment average dropping...!!

*throws Misty at a harpoon*

2018-05-11 [Mortified Penguin]: SHUT UP, REFRIGERATOR! *slaps Sheamu*

*opens his door and takes out a cold, refreshing Dr. Pibb (he finally got that degree)*

2018-05-11 [Pied Crow]: So, is the diner coming back soon? I'd appreciate it if you could waste your time restoring the page so I can ignore the whole thing and scroll directly to the bottom.

2018-05-11 [Mortified Penguin]: NO.

2018-05-11 [Pied Crow]: I'll have some tea, please! Oh, and don't forget the lard!

2018-05-12 [Mortified Penguin]: We don't serve your kind here! We do serve pigeons though. *points at a platter of freshly boiled, unseasoned pigeon legs being eaten by a fine, upstanding pigeon gentleman*

2018-05-13 [Sheamus Finn]: Silence of the Pigeons?

2018-05-13 [Mortified Penguin]: I mean, it would be appreciated. I had to kick the seagulls out, because they wouldn't stop screeching. *points at another platter of pigeon legs*

2018-05-14 [Nuktae-tal]: Caw caw motherfuckers! *shots pigeon gentlemen*

2018-05-15 [Pied Crow]: Hey, what?! Who approved of this!?

2018-05-15 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1526360754.jpg>

2018-05-15 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1526360773.jpg>

2018-05-15 [~Crimson Angel~]:

2018-05-15 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1526360866.jpg>

2018-05-15 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1526360888.jpg>

2018-05-15 [~Crimson Angel~]:

2018-05-15 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1526360929.jpg>

2018-05-15 [~Crimson Angel~]:

2018-05-15 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1526360964.jpg>

2018-05-15 [~Crimson Angel~]:

2018-05-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Is that a threat?! *slaps [nokaredes]*

2018-05-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Because if so, it doesn't make any sense. But better safe than sorry, I guess... *stabs [nokaredes]*

2018-05-19 [Pied Crow]: It seems as if [nokaredes] can't hear your s-words...

2018-05-22 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-05-22 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1526952124.jpg>

2018-05-22 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1526952147.jpg>

2018-05-22 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-05-23 [Mortified Penguin]: COMMENT AVERAGE DECREASING!!

[Hedda]! Tell a funny joke...!

*waits patiently*

2018-05-23 [Nuktae-tal]: I like your face!!

2018-05-23 [Nuktae-tal]: Like a whole lot! Not like a jews!

2018-05-23 [Mortified Penguin]: Shut up, you're interrupting [Hedda]!! *angrily hurls a pile of money at you*

2018-05-24 [Nuktae-tal]: *just as angrily catches all the money and shoves it down pants.* hey now! What is all this grass?!

2018-05-24 [Pied Crow]: *dims the lights and sets up a spotlight for [Hedda]'s funny joke*

2018-05-24 [Sagacious Turkey]: It's been quiet here...

*a swarm of owls comes crashing in through the stained glass bay window and starts hooting loudly and attacking customers*

Too quiet...

*a pack of rabid wolves comes crashing up through the floorboards, howling noisily and eating the faces off of terrified customers*

Suspiciously quiet...

*the wolves begin leaping through the air, battling the screeching owls as many dying and bleeding customers scream in pain and horror*

*shrugs and goes back to not changing the batteries in his hearing aids or even his battery powered glasses*

2018-05-24 [Mortified Penguin]: SHUT THE HELL UP!! *punches one of the wolves out of the air mid-flight*

HEDDA IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING HILARIOUS ANY MINUTE NOW.

*the wolves and owls all quietly take their seats and twiddle their thumbs expectantly*

2018-05-24 [Mortified Penguin]: NO LOITERING! EITHER ORDER SOMETHING OR GET THE HELL OUT!

*bashes an old man eating a sandwich he ordered in the head with a baseball bat*

2018-05-25 [Pied Crow]: But...it takes a lot of finesse to order a sandwich inside the head using a baseball bat. That's not deserving of a bash!

2018-05-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Say, I haven't seen you order nothing lately... *strokes his bat menacingly*

2018-05-26 [Nuktae-tal]: *is stroked bu Mort instead*

2018-05-26 [Pied Crow]: Haven't seen nothing? Right. I'll be a good bird.

Yes, I'd like to order a plate of nothing? For here, please.

2018-05-27 [Mortified Penguin]: Sorry, we're fresh out of plates. Would a bowl of nothing suffice?

2018-05-28 [Sagacious Turkey]: Heh heh, suckers... I'll make millions selling these stolen plates on the black market. You rubes... you fools... you stupid, stupid f- *trips over a wet floor sign and breaks his neck on a second wet floor sign mere feet away*

2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: *rushes over and picks up Turkey's dying body*

No! NO! You can't die like this, I won't let you!

*starts punching his face repeatedly*

I'LL SAVE YOU! JUST HANG ON!

*starts choking him as well*

2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: *starts coughing up blood*

You... you did it... you saved me.

*smiles weakly and gives a final thumbs up, before collapsing in a pool of his own blood surrounded by dozens upon hundreds of wet floor signs*

2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Oh no. Nnooo. He has died. Alas, I am morose. Alack and such.

*puts up an additional wet floor sign and goes back to eating some ramen*

2018-05-29 [Pied Crow]: Yeah, poor Yorick... May he someday stop kicking his skull away from himself.

2018-05-29 [Pied Crow]: What, oh, right, I detest having a bowl for my nothing! Don't you at least have a platter or something? I'll pay extra, but not too extra!

2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: The heck are you talking about? This is a funeral home. Have some respect for the dead, jerk. *goes back to sweeping up all the skulls lying around*

2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: Yeah! I get no respect here, I tell ya! No respect at all! AND TAKE THAT HAT OFF! *rips Misty's hair off her scalp and crawls back into his coffin*

2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: I tell ya, no respect! Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch! Then he told me I was crazy. I asked for a second opinion and he said, "Okay, you're ugly too!"

2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through."

2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: Me and my dad used to play tag. He'd drive! He told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed my other foot to the ground! No respect!

2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Shh... no more tears, only sleep now... *forces the casket shut and wheels it out into traffic*

2018-05-29 [Yuriona]: Today's Special: Turkey Road Kill Surprise!

2018-05-30 [Nuktae-tal]: It's okay now everyone! I'm back! *bursts through door*

2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: My favorite door!!

2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *shoves Nuk out of the way and picks up the door's dying body*

No! NO! You can't die like this, I won't let you!

*starts punching its face repeatedly*

I'LL SAVE YOU! JUST HANG ON!

*starts choking it as well*

2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: It's not breathing! *starts doing chest compressions and blowing into the keyhole*

2018-05-30 [Pied Crow]: It's okay, Nuktae-talon. I like people who come back.

2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *shoves Cro out of the way*

MOVE IT, I NEED TO-

Wait... huh, I can't remember what it is I even needed over here...

*shoves Cro back into position*

2018-06-02 [Nuktae-tal]: At least some people appreciate tardiness *sniffs cocaine*

2018-06-04 [Mortified Penguin]: MY DANDRUFF COLLECTION!

2018-06-06 [Pied Crow]: Can someone point us in the direction of the WC?

2018-06-06 [Yuriona]: That way... *points vaguely in the direction of the broom closet*

2018-06-06 [Mortified Penguin]: The mop bucket is clogged and hasn't been flushed in a few years though.

2018-06-06 [Mortified Penguin]: We also don't have running water. We do have toilet paper though. *points at a single, used napkin chained to the counter*

There's also the bidet, if you're fancy. *points at Misty*

2018-06-07 [Pied Crow]: Thanks, that's okay. I only need somewhere to eat.

*enters the closet, shuts the door, and begins eating his lunch*

2018-06-07 [The Bohemian Pixie]: Oohh bidet. Faaaancy.

2018-06-07 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, but it's pretty busted up from excessive use. You gotta whack it real hard to get it to start working.

2018-06-08 [Nuktae-tal]: *whacks Mort* nothing is happening. *uses sledge hammer on mort*

2018-06-08 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop denting that sledge hammer on my skull, it's a rental!!

2018-06-09 [Sheamus Finn]: Hey, when did we get the "I" back? And has that hole always been in the roof?

2018-06-10 [Nuktae-tal]: Yup always. *star bathes*

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: When [Nioniel] died in that tragic horse collision. All that wasted sloppy joe meat... *shakes head sadly*

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: There we go, I just spammed a bunch of gullible suckers elsewhere on the internet. Now surely we'll get tons of new commenters! TONS!

2018-06-10 alliecalamari: Gullible sucker here reporting for duty!

2018-06-10 slamdunkjesus: I ate 2 popsicles but I lied and told my GF that I only ate one. She asked why there were 2 missing and I just slowly grinned and said "I doooon't knoooow...".

2018-06-10 [Pied Crow]: What? New people?!

*now using the closet to hide*

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: You, squid slut, start washing those dishes. *points at a pile of [Pillowthief]'s bones in the sink*

And you, other rube with a whore girlfriend, start frying up some meth, I'm trying to run a business here and we have hungry customers waiting! *points at a pile of [Pillowthief]'s bones in the sink*

AND YOU, CROW! *drags him out of the closet by the scruff of his beak* PUT A HAIRNET ON YOUR BEAK, IT'S TOO SCRUFFY!

2018-06-10 [Yuriona]: I wasn't one of the rubes so now I feel left out. *pouts & kicks the mop bucket*

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: You'll always be a rube to me, dear Yuri. All those memories... that time you told me to stop spamming people. That other time you told me to stop spamming people. And even that time you told me to seriously stop spamming people for real this time! Good times. I'll always have a special place for you near my heart. *violently crams Yuri into his shirt pocket along with his can of chewing tobacco*

2018-06-10 [Sagacious Turkey]: I once ate three popsicles and told my girlfriend we didn't even have any popsicles. Then she started grilling me with all these questions like, "Who the hell are you?! How did you get in my house?! Did you eat my dog?!" so I shoved that uppity skank in front of a bus and went back to eating popsicles to make them stop barking at me.

2018-06-10 slamdunkjesus: *washes hands thoroughly* The secret ingredient is my meth recipe is Like! I find that most people find Love too spicy, so I've been using Like.

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, sure. I usually just cut it with salt and broken glass, but that works too, I guess.

2018-06-10 slamdunkjesus: Smoking cigarettes is the best and best habit I've ever picked up.

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Then you should definitely try our New Cigarette Butt Salad! The cigarette butts are actually really old, it's just that the concept of our used ash trays being a salad is new.

2018-06-11 [Pied Crow]: Uh, right, sir!

*gets tangled up in a butterfly net*

2018-06-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Much better. *shoves you back into the closet and locks the door*

Wait, why does our broom closet have a lock on the outside?! *shrugs and starts pouring gasoline under the door*

2018-06-12 [Pied Crow]: Ahhh... It smells like a running truck in here~!

2018-06-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Strange.

*goes back to mudding in the kitchen, in his new Ford Velociraptor*

2018-06-14 [Nuktae-tal]: *screech!!! Hissss* *breaks shot with my dino tail*

2018-06-14 [Pied Crow]: Huh? Hey!! Lemme out of here! I hear truck and dino sounds!!

2018-06-15 [Mortified Penguin]: You're just imagining things. Nothing fun going on out here.

*ramps his dino off a huge ramp in the middle of the diner and does a bunch of totally awesome flips, while throwing wads of cash everywhere and shooting off fireworks*

*the raptor flips too close to the ceiling and is decapitated by the ceiling fan*

CHEAP PIECE OF JUNK! *angrily kicks the giant lizard's corpse*

2018-06-16 [Pied Crow]: Oh... Well, if you say so...

*returns to ruining the butterfly net*

2018-06-16 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-06-16 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1529160885.png>

2018-06-16 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-06-16 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1529160956.jpg>

2018-06-16 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: We've fallen to an average of only 4.7777777777777777777777777773777 comments a day for this friscal year! I'M DOCKING YOUR PAY FOR THIS, NUK. *takes a bite out of her yearly apple allowance*

2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Great, now I have to come up with some more spamming schemes to trick dumb people into posting here over the next 76 days. I briefly considered being nice and positive and not calling people rubes, suckers, and filthy kike whores, but then thought better of it.

2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Lemme see if threats work...

2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: Perhaps if we tell them we have puppies?

2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: And if they don't comment....

2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: We will deep fry them and feed the to starving children?

2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: BTW, my 4 of 4.7 comments for the day.....

2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: We tried blackmailing people by threatening puppies back in 2004, but I think the guards put a stop to it for some reason.

2018-06-16 slamdunkjesus: *covered in sweat. delicious, delicious sweat*

2018-06-16 slamdunkjesus: I'm going to start serving alcohol. Anyone wanna try a sweat cocktail?

2018-06-16 [Nuktae-tal]: I'll have a butterscotch birch beer!!

2018-06-16 [Nuktae-tal]: *screeches again and dino stops around*

2018-06-17 slamdunkjesus: Ahh, 'ere ya go. One Triple B. Sweat is complimentary.

2018-06-17 slamdunkjesus: If I'm not getting paid, can I drink on the job?

2018-06-17 [Mortified Penguin]: *slams down his stein of ale in contempt*

You disgust me! This is a place of business, have some respect for the job!

*angrily chugs the rest of his stein, takes a hit off his crack pipe, and goes back to picking lice out of his pubes behind the register and flicking them at customers*

2018-06-17 [Pied Crow]: Maybe we can start a chess tournament? I've seen people sign up for those! But...I've not seen anyone play chess in years...

2018-06-17 [Pied Crow]: Anyway, Nuktae-saur! My silly bird head is free for you to stop around on!

2018-06-17 [Mortified Penguin]: A Chess Tournament? Ridiculous! But even though I offered a $50 Amazon card to the winner, nobody ever showed up! And they didn't even know I was going to rig it, so I would never have to pay up!

*tosses the B in the deep fryer*

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]:

A comment was unintentionally deleted due to these stupid damn delete buttons everywhere. Pretty sure it was Nukt's. Pretty sure something about a B not being cooked was said. REPOST YOUR EXACT COMMENT WORD FOR WORD OR ELSE! *slaps Nukt*

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: Here, I'll post some unrelated images to make up for the traumatizing loss of what I'm sure was an amazing, hilarious comment...

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1529259800.png>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1529259834.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1529259949.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-06-18 [Nuktae-tal]: MY BEAUTIFUL COMMENT!!!! *SOB SOB* ooh funny pictures!*

2018-06-18 [Pied Crow]: I guess I'll get my silly bird head stopped...another time...

2018-06-18 [Mortified Penguin]: *bashes your head in with a stop sign*

"Hey! Where'd you get that stop sign?!"

Oh, uh... I brought this from home, officer...

*he nods and goes back to eating his bowl of grass and used Band-AIDS*

*the sound of crashing cars can be heard outside, but that's probably unrelated to any of my various felonies*

2018-06-19 [Nuktae-tal]: *Dino Stops all over the Stop sign*

2018-06-19 [Pied Crow]: D...Diiiinooooooo...... *passes out with what might be either a smile or a badly dented beak*

2018-06-20 [Nuktae-tal]: *tweet* mother fuckers!

2018-06-20 [Mortified Penguin]: *dramatically eats a bowl of ramen*

2018-06-20 [Yuriona]: Ooooo... *applauds* Bravo! Bravo!! *nominates Mort for an Oscar*

2018-06-20 [Nuktae-tal]: *steals Mort's bowl but leaves the soup*

2018-06-22 [Mortified Penguin]: That bowl cost $6.99...

2018-06-23 [Nuktae-tal]: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SOUP MORT?!?!?!!?

2018-06-23 [Sheamus Finn]: The soup was three-fitty.....

2018-06-23 [Pied Crow]: ZZZzzzzzzzz............. Oh, um, wasn't three-fifty what a certain monster wanted from Mort?


Year 04/05 05/06 06/07 07/08 08/09 09/10 10/11 11/12 12/13 13/14 14/15 15/16 16/17 17/18 18/19 19/20 20/21	Comments 9709 3870 3065 5676 4309 2879 5259 1697 0984 0756 0394 0177 0384 1677 0471 0285 0118	Average 26.6 cpd 10.6 cpd 08.4 cpd 15.5 cpd 11.8 cpd 07.9 cpd 14.4 cpd 04.7 cpd 02.7 cpd 02.1 cpd 01.1 cpd 00.5 cpd 01.1 cpd 04.6 cpd 01.3 cpd 00.8 cpd 00.3 cpd	Total Comments 09709 13579 16644 22320 26666 29545 34804 36501 37484 38240 38634 38839 39223 40900 41371 41656 41774	Total Average 26.6 cpd/9709 cpy 18.6 cpd/6789 cpy 15.2 cpd/5548 cpy 15.3 cpd/5580 cpy 14.6 cpd/5333 cpy 13.5 cpd/4924 cpy 13.6 cpd/4972 cpy 12.5 cpd/4563 cpy 11.4 cpd/4165 cpy 10.5 cpd/3824 cpy 09.6 cpd/3512 cpy 08.9 cpd/3237 cpy 08.3 cpd/3017 cpy 08.0 cpd/2921 cpy 07.6 cpd/2758 cpy 07.1 cpd/2604 cpy 06.7 cpd/2457 cpy